The Most Important Thing

      The week before spring break one of my work buddies stopped by my room and asked me about my vacation plans. I rattled off what I thought was a rather impressive to do list and he responded with a frown. “You know,” he said, “you could just relax.” I had a good hard laugh and then I realized that he was serious.

      To be honest, I am not sure exactly what it means to “relax” for any amount of time longer than an hour or so, therefore vacations with lots of down time kind of make me feel a little uneasy. I’m not saying that I don’t chill from time to time, I do, but not without doing something constructive before and after. I have been this way since birth so perhaps its in the genes. Mom says that even as a small child I was always busy. One of my earliest memories consists of organizing my stuffed animals on my bed. Every one of them had a special spot and I knew if they had been moved. Sick, I know, but workaholism and perfectionism are two sides of the same coin.

      The problem with workaholism and perfectionism is that the two breed and give birth to some nasty offspring like irritability, anger, frustration, anxiety, moodiness and even depression. Worst of all they have the tendency to divert your focus to things that are temporary and irrelevant. I tell my students that perfectionism is highly overrated. I believe that with my whole heart but I also have a really tough time reeling it in sometimes, so I know exactly what they are going through.

      One of my greatest issues is that I tend to put work first no matter what. I don’t set out to do that but I am a very driven individual and sometimes that drive gets in the way of my relationships and well, everything else if I’m not careful. It is something that I must keep in constant check. My father told me once that the one thing in his life he regretted most was not being around as much when we were kids. I have never forgotten that. He is a wonderful worker and when he has a job to do he does it well and gives it everything he has. I have always admired that work ethic and I hope that I have inherited some of it. I would hope though that I have inherited something else as well, the ability to realize what is really important in this life. Therefore, for my next pay it forward project I am going to do something I have not done in a very long time. I am going to take some time off with my family in which I am completely and totally here instead of what I usually do, look tuned in while my brain is working on my next to do list. For the next few days I am going to strive to be totally and completely present. I am going to have some real conversations instead of the usual small talk. I am going to give real, heart felt compliments instead of quick blurbs. I am going to really look at loved ones, really hear them, really be with them in a more focused way than I have ever done before, if only for a little while. We will all go back to work and school next week and the world will close in again, but for a couple days I am going to make a few memories and forget about the responsibilities of life for a spell.

      May I put aside the work, the perfectionism, and my other baggage long enough to show my family how truly grateful I am for their presence in my lives. I will never be the same because of these crazy, insane, wonderful people and for that, I thank God.

Laurie

Family

        

        "A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it." 

                                                                           Mary Karr, The Liars' Club

        Family. That word means so many things to so many people. We have many families. We have our work families, church families, blended families, immediate families and extended families. My students are my family, my dogs are my family and best of all, my friends are the family that I get to choose. All these groups have one thing in common. At any given time, one or more of these family members has the capacity to drive me completely insane and I am quite certain that I have returned the favor on various occasions too numerous to count.

So what makes up a family? The definition that I like best is “a person or people related to one and so to be treated with a special loyalty or intimacy.” Right below that it said “a group of people united in criminal activity.” Hmm. :)  

My personal definition would go something like this:  A group of people closely involved in one another’s lives in such a way as to be able to offer support, love, loyalty, acceptance, time and the occasional free baby or dog sitting service. They must be willing to endure frequent emotional outbursts without passing judgement, they must endure bad cooking with a smile while cleaning their plates, they must be willing to give up a bite of their cheesecake, a sip of their milkshake or a few of their fries willingly and without comment, they must listen to stories hundreds of times without exhibiting that dazed, far away look, they must suffer through bad jokes without giving the punch line away or rolling their eyes, they must tolerate button pushing in all of its forms and develop response mechanisms that do not lead to a week long fight or objects being thrown, but most important of all they must accept fellow family members for who and what they are without trying to change them to match their preferences or personal ideals. Family is about loving someone despite their faults and short comings. It is about being there through thick and thin, the good, the bad and even the ugly. 

All families are messy, some are just messier than others. That’s because human beings are imperfect and we seem to thrive on drama. Most of us put on our best face in public but at home the masks come off and we get real. Ever notice that we are often nicer to those that we work with than those that we live with? I know I am guilty of that one. Everyone else gets my best and my family, God love ‘em, gets what is left. That is too bad because occasionally I really do have the capacity to be cool. :) 

My friend Ann has been working hard to show a very special member of her family how much she loves and appreciates her. She has planned this wonderful surprise birthday/retirement party for her mother. She has spent hours pulling this thing together and she has put so much of herself into it. By paying it forward to her mom she is experiencing the joy of giving her best, not just what is left over, to a very important member of her family. It is something that I am sure she and her mother will never forget. When we look back at our lives one day we will never say, “I wish I had not spent so much time and attention on them.” Most likely it will be the opposite sentiment. “If only I had done a little more.” 

Ann asked me once if I thought she was silly going all out and overboard on this party for her mom. I told her that I thought it was the nicest thing I had ever heard of anyone doing for their mother and that she would never regret it. I truly want to be more like that. Pull out all the stops and let those family members know how crazy I am about them and how much I love them despite their colorful quirks! 

I just had to get involved in Ann’s party project so for this week’s pay it forward, I made Ann a small painting of a daffodil to give to her mother as a birthday gift. It is the flower of March, the month her mother was born. I put the date of her party on the back. I hope that it will serve as a momento for this wonderful occasion, a reminder of how hard her daughter worked to make her feel special and loved. Much joy, laughter and love to you and your mom, Ann. I hope that your party is a raving success!

Laurie