Brick by Brick

      Belief and faith are two totally different things. I believe in God, always have, always will, but faith, now that's a different matter entirely. Faith runs deeper. Faith involves unflinching trust. Faith does not come to us in its final form. It is a slow and tedious process. Rock solid faith is built one single, solitary brick at a time.

      I guess for me the first stone was put in place by Sister St. Monica at St. Peter's Catholic School. As an impressionable first grader I accepted her God as easily as I accepted her explanation of the color blue. It just was.

      At thirteen I was confirmed at the United Methodist Church in Piedmont, WV by Reverend Sawyers. He was a good man of great passion and conviction. His faith was pure and simple. I wanted what he had. I wanted to believe that deeply. Another brick slid into place.

      During college I often escaped to my Aunt Pam's house in Atlanta. Her faith was constant and unquestioning even during hard times. I didn't understand it then, but I think I'm beginning to now. Another brick.

      I met the most wonderful guy by sheer accident in New Orleans. He was different. He was cute and kind and selfless and confident all at the same time. The odds of meeting that guy in that place had to be astronomical. I knew it wasn't by chance. He was an answered prayer. Another brick.

      Our daughter was born with an undetermined illness. She was deteriorating before our eyes. I could tell by the look on the doctors face that we were in trouble. Then a group of folks at a small insignificant church started to pray. At the very moment that they held her up in prayer she began a drastic, inexplicable turnaround. Another brick.

      While I was still in the first trimester with my son, I over heard a conversation between two doctors. They said that this child would never make it to term if he lived at all. I refused to accept it. I prayed daily. I cried in the shower so no one would see. I begged. I surrendered and I delivered two weeks before term to a room full of doctors that simply couldn't understand. Another brick.

      Throughout my life God has slowly and painstakingly been laying a foundation of faith. He has given me every reason to believe Him but sometimes I still struggle.

      Teaching was God's idea, not mine. It has become my lifelong passion. I would never have chosen it but I am so very thankful for getting to go to a job everyday that I absolutely love. The Masters in History was His idea. I really wanted a Masters in Art History but every door I tried to go through on that one got slammed shut, so I prayed for guidance and all of the markers pointed to History. Once I completed the degree, I was sure that because God was part of that decision, that it would pay off. It did not. I was frustrated. I just dropped a boatload of cash on something that I might never get a return on. God, what were you thinking?

      Not only that, I was led to a state which has declared war on its teachers. No pay raise in six years. My bills continue to rise but my pay remains stagnant and ridiculously low. Why God? Why you lead me to a state that ranks last in teachers pay? How on earth am I going to be able to survive and take care of my kids? I felt a bit like the Israelites out in the desert. Why did you lead me here to starve? Sure you are providing a little through tutoring and some side jobs but God, that manna is getting old. Is this all you meant for me to do for the rest of my life? Just get by? Barely survive? Constantly struggle?

     I continued to keep lines in the water, so to speak. I had applied for nearly every job I could think of in my field, to no avail. Finally around Christmas, I got a nibble. It was a job at the local community college teaching American History, unfortunately it too fell through. So I did what any normal human would do, I gave up. I surrendered. I had nothing else left in the tank. Ok God, I resign to live in poverty.

     Then in the middle of the afternoon, on a snowy day, I got a call from a number I did not recognize. The lady on the line said she was calling from NCVPS. "Who?" I asked. "North Carolina Virtual Public Schools," she said. "You applied for a job with us about a year ago?" Holy cow! I had forgotten all about that! She and her colleague proceeded to interview me on the phone. When I hung up Michael said "Man you were talking fast, what was that?" Oh great, I thought, I blew it. The lady requested some information which I sent and she followed quickly with the next step of the hiring process. She wanted me to interview with her boss. Whew, I guess I didn't blow it after all. I sent out a prayer request before my second interview and I prayed myself as well.

      Through tears I ask God to show me the path He wanted for me. If this interview didn't go well, I would have to start looking at other employment options and that was Ok, just show me which way to go. Leaving teaching would break my heart, but I was willing to go if that was what I was suppose to do. Make the path clear, Lord and I'll take it. I don't understand but I trust you.

      About ten minutes into the interview, the lady told me to stop right there. My heart sank. How could I have possibly screwed this up so quickly? "You are exactly what I am looking for," she said, "and the job is yours if you want it." I had to fight back tears of relief.

      Now there are only about 700 online teachers in the state and only a fraction of them are art instructors. The chances of me getting this job were slim to none, especially after a year. So I asked her what about my application caught her eye. She said that it was the Masters in History.

      I thought God was torturing me with all of the jobs that fell through but He wasn't torturing me, He was closing doors because He had something better in mind. He was redirecting me. Did I mention that this new job pays significantly more than the college job would have? Oh and the lady from NCVPS also said that she might have another opportunity over the summer working on a team to create new online class modules that involve several different disciplines. When she told me about that one, all I could think was yeah, now He's just showing off. Path markers were clear now, as clear as if they were being lit up in neon lights. My prayers had finally been answered and the answer had come cleverly disguised as a years worth of unanswered prayers.

      It is interesting to me what surrender does. Surrender is faith, maybe even in its purest form. A preacher once told me that true faith is signing your name to the bottom of a blank page and letting God fill in the rest. You are in a place of complete agreement and acceptance. I continue to struggle with that but I believe this experience has laid yet another brick in the solid foundation of my faith wall.

      So for anyone struggling, hang in there. You never know when you will turn the corner and your prayers will be answered. You never know what God is quietly setting up behind the scenes. Remember you can still take it to Him in prayer. Even prayers of frustration are little acts of faith because you do so believing that He is listening and that can lead you one step closer to surrender. :)

      Have a wonderful week!

      Laurie