The Power of the Pack

      I have always loved dogs. For as long as I can remember, they have been a part of my family. Dogs are loving, trusting, forgiving and kind. They seem to keep no record of wrong doing and have a wonderful ability to live in the moment.

      When we first got married we got a little lhasa apso that had a serious case of separation anxiety. When we left for work he would lose it and go into destroyer mode. Now he was only about 15 pounds but that dog could do some damage, like chewing halfway through a 2x4! It wasn't pretty. Later we discovered that Bandit did so much better with another more stable dog around. They do something similar with thoroughbred race horses. To say that many of these beautiful creatures are high strung would be an understatement, so to calm them down they often have another horse with them. There is something wonderfully secure about being part of a good group or a pack.

      A couple of weeks ago we kept our friends delightful little dog. She is nothing short of a ball of love and one of the most wonderful little canines I have ever met. Her name is Bella. Bella's Daddy said that she likes to get up early, like 4:00am early and the first night we kept Bella that is exactly what she did. Michael got up with her and then slept on the couch for the remainder of the morning until the rest of the house awoke. The second night an interesting thing happened, Bella slept in until the alarm went off. It was as if she realized that the other dogs, we have two, didn't get up at 4:00. The pack, dog and human alike, slept in, so from that point on so did Bella. Behold the power of the pack!

      I often see that same mentality among my middle school students. Sometimes though, the packs are not so benign. The worst seem to be of the female variety. The boys fight it out and it is over, the girls can hold a grudge until they turn 90, longer if their memories remain in tact. Most of the middle school packs are owned and operated by a singular bully who brutally enforces the rules through intimidation and slander. Technology unfortunately has aided them tremendously as it allows them the ability to stir the pot from a distance and under the protection of anonymity.

      Bullies are usually motivated by one of two things, pain or anger. Some are insecure. Some want nothing more than for someone else, anyone else to hurt as much as they do. Some derive a power fix from it that fills the space that says they aren't worthy enough. Some have no control over what is going on in their lives at home so they desperately attempt to control whatever they can outside of that space. Some are filling voids deep within their souls that no amount of inflicted pain or hurt can satisfy. Some are just mean because that is all they have ever seen, that is all that has ever been modeled to them. All are cowards.

      What I tell the students that find themselves a target of such aggression is that this has nothing to do with them, there is nothing wrong with them. There is something very wrong with the person that is doing the bullying, not them. Then we discuss ways to make them less of a target and what to do if that doesn't work. We level the playing field with our targeted kids by giving them the ability to report a bully without giving their names and every case gets investigated. Kids always think that if they tell it will get worse but in my experience if handled correctly by the adults, that is not the case. It can and does get better. The trick is to expose what the bully is doing and have everyone, parents, teachers, students, etc. on the same page. Bullies like to work in the dark, so the best way to combat them is to put the spotlight on them. It also helps if you can get them emerged in a larger, more benign pack.

      Just like with dogs the pack sets the tone and if you are in a school that tolerates bad behavior, bad packs will dominate. However, the reverse is also true. If you are in a school where most of the kids are great kids and teachers, administrators and counsellors support students that have been targeted while weeding out and attempting to rehabilitate the offenders, it is very difficult for a bully or a bad pack to survive longterm. Most of the kids in a bully led pack don't really want to be there and will desert him/her if given a way out.

      It is interesting to me that schools can be so drastically different in culture. Some schools are the bad pack schools. Bad behavior may not be openly tolerated but the bar for what is expected is not held very high and bad packs are allowed to rule. In most good pack schools the bar is held extremely high but not to the point that what is asked of the kids is unobtainable. The result is a good overall pack that can straighten out the occasional bad apple. It is really amazing how a good school culture can absorb and transform a troubled new student. A difficult kid in a stable pack has a chance but a good kid in a corrupt pack usually does not. The transformations, either way, almost always occur in a couple of weeks. Occasionally we will encounter a new child that has so many scars or wounds that the process takes a little longer, but the good news is that there are very few that cannot be reached in a well discipline, caring environment. We need more schools that have surroundings conducive and supportive of the good packs, but even more important is the need for more strong, stable, child centered packs at home where they feel loved unconditionally and get the attention and time they need to develop strong self esteem. Just like our canine family members, humans need wonderful support systems to truly thrive and feel secure. The power of the pack!

      Have a great week!

      Laurie