A Love Story

      Writing for me is a bit like therapy. Sometimes my brain is in overload. There is almost too much to take in, too much to do, too much to consider and way too much to sort out. Writing provides me with a sort of brain drain, if you will. It acts like a release valve that alleviates the pressure. This week was one of those weeks that I needed something to sooth the soul. So I write.

      Our dear friend, Dale Boyd, whom I wrote about in one of my very first blog posts, Week One, Victim One http://loveripples.blogspot.com/2013/01/so-hubby-and-i-have-decided-to-set-goal.html lost his beloved wife, Connie, on Friday to cancer.

      My heart aches for Dale. Losing your spouse must be a lot like losing a part of yourself, only worse. I cannot possibly imagine his pain and grief. I cannot possibly imagine what strength it has taken to endure the years of this relentless disease. I do know that what he and Connie shared was a special and deep bond that few people will ever know in this lifetime. Dale loved his wife deeply. He was completely devoted to her in every possible way. When he spoke of her he used words like "darling," "Angel" and "my wonderful wife." Most men complain about their women at least every once in awhile but not Dale. In the four years that I have known him, I have never heard him say a single bad thing about Connie and that really stood out to me. It speaks volumes about his loyalty and commitment.

      In a world where everything is disposable, trash, animals, relationships and even people, Dale's attention and devotion to Connie stood out in stark contrast. When Connie was first diagnosed with breast cancer, Dale told her to make a bucket list. They set about checking items off it. She beat cancer the first time and it looked as though her life and his might return to some normalcy. Unfortunately that peace was not meant to last for long and after only about a year of her retirement, the monster was back.

      They were both ridiculously strong through the whole ordeal. Connie moved home for awhile but then made the very selfless decision to move back to eastern carolina when it looked like the cancer was here to stay in order to put Dale closer to his family and friends. Connie was setting things in order and her top priority was Dale. She wanted him to have a support system after she was gone. That speaks volumes to her character and it certainly comes as no surprise. To have someone, anyone, love you as much as Dale did Connie, you have to have done something right with the life that you were given. My guess is that Connie did a whole lot of things right. She must have been a beautiful person inside and out.

      Michael and I never got the opportunity to know Connie well. We have really only known Dale for about four years. We met him when he starting working at our school. We first met Connie about the same time. She was teaching Creative Writing at the high school and our daughter Maddie was in her class. By the time we got to know and love Dale, Connie was already ill again. Cancer kept that friendship at bay. I am saddened by that. I would have really liked the chance to get to know her.

      To honor Connie, Michael and I are determined to do what she wished, take care of Dale and her sweet little dog Bella. As far as we are concerned our family has just grown by two.

      Dale and Connie's was a love story that needs to be cherished, honored and remembered. It serves as a wonderful example of selflessness, kindness and devotion.

      I pray that Connie may finally rest. No more pain. No more hurt. No more monsters.

P.S. One of Connie's favorite organizations was http://www.stompthemonsternc.org if you would like to make a donation in her name.

Laurie

The Power of the Pack

      I have always loved dogs. For as long as I can remember, they have been a part of my family. Dogs are loving, trusting, forgiving and kind. They seem to keep no record of wrong doing and have a wonderful ability to live in the moment.

      When we first got married we got a little lhasa apso that had a serious case of separation anxiety. When we left for work he would lose it and go into destroyer mode. Now he was only about 15 pounds but that dog could do some damage, like chewing halfway through a 2x4! It wasn't pretty. Later we discovered that Bandit did so much better with another more stable dog around. They do something similar with thoroughbred race horses. To say that many of these beautiful creatures are high strung would be an understatement, so to calm them down they often have another horse with them. There is something wonderfully secure about being part of a good group or a pack.

      A couple of weeks ago we kept our friends delightful little dog. She is nothing short of a ball of love and one of the most wonderful little canines I have ever met. Her name is Bella. Bella's Daddy said that she likes to get up early, like 4:00am early and the first night we kept Bella that is exactly what she did. Michael got up with her and then slept on the couch for the remainder of the morning until the rest of the house awoke. The second night an interesting thing happened, Bella slept in until the alarm went off. It was as if she realized that the other dogs, we have two, didn't get up at 4:00. The pack, dog and human alike, slept in, so from that point on so did Bella. Behold the power of the pack!

      I often see that same mentality among my middle school students. Sometimes though, the packs are not so benign. The worst seem to be of the female variety. The boys fight it out and it is over, the girls can hold a grudge until they turn 90, longer if their memories remain in tact. Most of the middle school packs are owned and operated by a singular bully who brutally enforces the rules through intimidation and slander. Technology unfortunately has aided them tremendously as it allows them the ability to stir the pot from a distance and under the protection of anonymity.

      Bullies are usually motivated by one of two things, pain or anger. Some are insecure. Some want nothing more than for someone else, anyone else to hurt as much as they do. Some derive a power fix from it that fills the space that says they aren't worthy enough. Some have no control over what is going on in their lives at home so they desperately attempt to control whatever they can outside of that space. Some are filling voids deep within their souls that no amount of inflicted pain or hurt can satisfy. Some are just mean because that is all they have ever seen, that is all that has ever been modeled to them. All are cowards.

      What I tell the students that find themselves a target of such aggression is that this has nothing to do with them, there is nothing wrong with them. There is something very wrong with the person that is doing the bullying, not them. Then we discuss ways to make them less of a target and what to do if that doesn't work. We level the playing field with our targeted kids by giving them the ability to report a bully without giving their names and every case gets investigated. Kids always think that if they tell it will get worse but in my experience if handled correctly by the adults, that is not the case. It can and does get better. The trick is to expose what the bully is doing and have everyone, parents, teachers, students, etc. on the same page. Bullies like to work in the dark, so the best way to combat them is to put the spotlight on them. It also helps if you can get them emerged in a larger, more benign pack.

      Just like with dogs the pack sets the tone and if you are in a school that tolerates bad behavior, bad packs will dominate. However, the reverse is also true. If you are in a school where most of the kids are great kids and teachers, administrators and counsellors support students that have been targeted while weeding out and attempting to rehabilitate the offenders, it is very difficult for a bully or a bad pack to survive longterm. Most of the kids in a bully led pack don't really want to be there and will desert him/her if given a way out.

      It is interesting to me that schools can be so drastically different in culture. Some schools are the bad pack schools. Bad behavior may not be openly tolerated but the bar for what is expected is not held very high and bad packs are allowed to rule. In most good pack schools the bar is held extremely high but not to the point that what is asked of the kids is unobtainable. The result is a good overall pack that can straighten out the occasional bad apple. It is really amazing how a good school culture can absorb and transform a troubled new student. A difficult kid in a stable pack has a chance but a good kid in a corrupt pack usually does not. The transformations, either way, almost always occur in a couple of weeks. Occasionally we will encounter a new child that has so many scars or wounds that the process takes a little longer, but the good news is that there are very few that cannot be reached in a well discipline, caring environment. We need more schools that have surroundings conducive and supportive of the good packs, but even more important is the need for more strong, stable, child centered packs at home where they feel loved unconditionally and get the attention and time they need to develop strong self esteem. Just like our canine family members, humans need wonderful support systems to truly thrive and feel secure. The power of the pack!

      Have a great week!

      Laurie